80 Poems Read online

  You couldn’t smell the burning

  (think how quick a fire grows)

  Wouldn’t it be funny

  If you didn’t have a nose?

  Where would we be without our hooters?

  Nothing else would really suit us.

  What would we sniff through?

  How would we sneeze?

  What would we wipe

  Upon our sleeves?

  You couldn’t smell a rat

  If you didn’t have a nose

  You couldn’t tell a duchess

  From a herd of buffaloes

  And … mmmm that Gorgonzola

  As it starts to decompose

  Oh wouldn’t it be funny

  If you didn’t have a nose?

  Where would we be without our hooters?

  Nothing else would really suit us.

  And think of those who

  Rub their noses

  Life would be tough for

  Eskimoses

  You couldn’t wear your glasses

  If you didn’t have a nose

  And what would bullies aim for

  When it came to blows?

  Where would nostrils be without them?

  When it’s runny how it glows

  Oh wouldn’t it be funny

  If you didn’t have a …

  have a …

  have a …

  a …

  a … choo!

  Reward and Punishment

  If you are good I will give you:

  A pillow of blue strawberries

  A swimming pool of Häagen-Dazs

  A mirror of imagination

  A pocketful of yes’s

  A hiss of sleigh rides

  A lunch box of swirling planets

  If you are very good I will give you:

  A doorway of happy endings

  A hedgerow of diamonds

  A surfboard of dolphins

  A cat’s paw of tickles

  A carton of fresh rainbow-juice

  A forest of chocolate wardrobes

  But if you are naughty you will get:

  A burst of balloon

  A screech of wolf

  A hoof of piggy bank

  A twitch of sideways

  A splinter of thirst

  A precipice of banana skins

  If you are very naughty you will get:

  A tyrannosaurus of broccoli

  A rucksack of bony elbows

  A skeleton of lost pencils

  A flag of inconvenience

  A chill of false laughter

  A detention that lasts forever, and ever, and ev …

  Take a Bow, Cow

  Take a bow, cow.

  You with the beautiful eyes.

  Without you, there’d be no ice cream,

  No Milky Way in the skies.

  Without you, coffee and cocoa

  Would be undrinkable.

  Imagine a world without MOO?

  Unthinkable.

  Love a Duck

  I love a duck called Jack

  He’s my very favourite pet

  But last week he took poorly

  So I took him to the vet.

  The vet said: ‘Lad, the news is bad

  Your duck has lost its quack

  And there’s nowt veterinary science

  Can do to bring it back.’

  A quackless duck? What thankless luck!

  Struck dumb without a word

  Rendered mute like a bunged-up flute

  My splendid tongue-tied bird.

  * * *

  All day now on the duvet

  He sits and occasionally sighs

  Dreaming of a miracle

  A faraway look in his eyes.

  Like an orphan for his mother

  Like a maiden for her lover

  Waiting silently is Jack

  For the gab to come back

  For the gift of tongues that goes …

  Jellyfish Pie

  Shuna chewed my tuna sandwich

  Molly demolished my cucumber bap

  Kylie slyly nibbled my bagel

  Gavin unravelled my Mexican wrap

  Betty bit my bacon butty

  Gupta gulped my hard-boiled egg

  Patsy pinched my crusty pasty

  Nigella gnawed my chicken leg

  Lisa licked my slice of pizza

  Nicola nicked my shrimp on rye

  Stephanie scoffed my stuffed panini

  But nobody touched my jellyfish pie.

  Stop, Thief!

  There’s something about the seaside

  I don’t understand

  Who steals the footprints

  We leave in the sand?

  Pull the Other One

  A crab, I am told,

  will not bite

  or poison you

  just for spite.

  Won’t lie in wait

  beneath a stone

  until one morning,

  out alone

  You poke a finger

  like a fool

  into an innocent-

  looking pool.

  Won’t leap out

  and grab your hand

  drag you sideways

  o’er the sand

  To the bottom

  of the sea

  and eat you, dressed,

  for Sunday tea.

  A crab, I am told,

  is a bundle of fun.

  (With claws like that?

  Pull the other one!)

  OUCH!

  Seagulls

  Seagulls are eagles

  with no head for heights

  For soggy old crusts

  they get into fights

  Out-of-tune buskers

  beggars and screechers

  Seagulls are not

  my favourite creatures.

  Aquarium

  The ocean’s out there

  It’s vast and it’s home

  And I want to be in it

  With the freedom to roam

  Not stuck in a prison

  That’s made out of glass

  For humans to peer into

  As they file past

  It’s all right for goldfish

  And small fry like that

  But I deserve more

  Than being ogled at

  Imagine the look

  You’d have on your face

  If you had to live

  In such a small space

  Little wonder

  That I look so glum

  Banged up in a seaside

  Aquarium.

  Teapet

  A teapet

  I can recommend

  to those who need

  a loyal friend

  Quiet, reliable

  he’ll never stray

  content to sit

  on his kitchen tray

  Give him water

  stroke his spout

  say ‘Thank you’

  when the tea comes out.

  The Tofu-Eating Tiger

  If a tiger invites you round for tea

  and offers you tofu,

  you can take it from me

  he’s only pretending.

  It’s merely a ploy

  to fool an innocent girl or boy

  into thinking he’s sweet.

  A vegetarian tiger who doesn’t eat meat.

  Rubbish! Just look at those jaws.

  Were they designed for chewing rice?

  And those claws. For peeling bananas?

  Take my advice:

  Stay calm. Be polite.

  Eat up your tofu and ask for more.

  When the feline is in the kitchen

  make a beeline for the door.

  The Kleptomaniac

  (klepto – from the Greek word kleptes, meaning thief)

  Beware the Kleptomaniac

  Who knows not wrong from right

  He’ll wait until you turn your back

  Then steal everything in
sight:

  The nose from a snowman

  (Be it carrot or coal)

  The stick from a blindman

  From the beggar his bowl

  The smoke from a chimney

  The leaves from a tree

  A kitten’s miaow

  (Pretty mean you’ll agree)

  He’ll pinch a used teabag

  From out of the pot

  A field of potatoes

  And scoff the whole lot

  (Is baby still there,

  Asleep in its cot?)

  He’ll rob the baton

  From a conductor on stage

  All the books from the library

  Page by page

  He’ll snaffle your shadow

  As you bask in the sun

  Pilfer the currants

  From out of your bun

  He’ll lift the wind

  Right out of your sails

  Hold your hand

  And make off with your nails

  When he’s around

  Things just disappear

  F nnily eno gh

  I th nk th re’s one ar und h re!

  The All-Purpose Children’s Poem

  The first verse contains a princess

  Two witches (one evil, one good)

  There’s a castle in it somewhere

  And a dark, enchanted wood.

  The second has ghosts and vampires

  Monsters with foul-smelling breath

  It sends shivers down the book spine

  And scares everybody to death.

  The third verse is one of my favourites

  With rabbits in skirts and trousers

  Who talk to each other like we do

  And live in neat little houses.

  The fourth is bang up to date

  And in it anything goes

  Set in the city, it doesn’t rhyme

  (Although, in a way it does).

  The fifth verse is set in the future

  (And, as you can see, it’s the last)

  When the Word was made Computer

  And books are a thing of the past.

  Bookworms

  Bookworms are the cleverest

  of all the worms I know

  While others meet their fate

  on a fisherman’s hook as bait

  Or churn out silk, guzzle soil

  or simply burn and glow

  They loll about in libraries

  eating words to make them grow

  In long-forgotten classics

  Latin tracts and dusty tomes

  Snug as bugs they hunker down

  and set up family homes

  Vegetarians mainly,

  they are careful what they eat

  Avoiding names of animals

  or references to meat

  They live to ripe old ages

  and when it’s time to wend

  They slip between the pages

  curl up, and eat ‘The End’.

  How to End a Poem

  Knowing how to end a poem

  is not as easy as people think.

  It’s not simply a matter

  of putting in a full stop

  and then adding your name.

  My advice would be to count up to ten

  and then shout, ‘One more line

  and then I’m coming, ready or not.’

  Lost and Found

  ‘Welcome to the Lost and Found

  Step inside and look around

  Enjoy the visit but take extra care

  There’s a boa constrictor loose somewhere

  On buses and trains you wouldn’t believe

  The crazy things that passengers leave

  A dodgem car, I kid you not

  Hot-water bottle full, but no longer hot

  Leopard-skin tights for the fuller figure

  A pineapple carved with the face of Mick Jagger

  Deflating slowly, a lead balloon

  A barrel of monkeys and a red baboon

  Bikes and skateboards by the score

  Two steaming bags of horse manure

  Rucksacks, tents and rolled-up beds

  If they weren’t screwed on they’d lose their heads

  Stop for a moment, do I hear a strange hissing?

  Let me just check there’s nobody missing

  No, all present and correct I’m glad to say

  The snake has probably slithered away

  Where was I? Oh yes, an electric chair,

  Dozens of dolls and a huge teddy bear

  A dodgy piano and a didgeridoo

  A doddery dog and a portable loo

  A ventriloquist’s dummy at a loss for words

  Three French hens and four calling birds

  What’s that noise? A strangling sound?

  It’s the giant snake. Don’t turn around

  Run for your lives, and I’m sorry to say

  We’re definitely closed for the rest of the day.’

  The Feather Boa Constrictor

  The feather boa constrictor

  It’s no joke.

  It tickles as it tightens

  You burst out laughing

  Then you choke.

  Didgeridoo

  Catfish

  take catnaps on seabeds

  Sticklebacks

  stick like glue

  Terrapins

  are terrific with needles

  But what does a didgery do?

  Bloodhounds

  play good rounds of poker

  Chihuahuas

  do nothing but chew

  Poodles

  make puddles to paddle in

  But what does a didgery do?

  A puffin

  will stuff in a muffin

  A canary

  can nearly canoe

  Humming-birds

  hum something rotten

  But what does a didgery do?

  Tapeworms

  play tapes while out jogging

  Flies

  feed for free at the zoo

  Headlice

  use headlights at night-time

  But what does a didgery do?

  What does a didgery

  What does a didgery

  What does a didgery do?

  Fruit Bats

  Fruit bats come in all shapes and sizes

  banana-shaped

  pear-shaped

  they’re full of surprises

  Huge watermelon

  and grapefruit bats

  Cherry bats and plum bats

  Lychees and kumquats

  Hanging in the belfry

  is that a satsuma?

  Another example

  of crazy bats’ humour?

  You think that’s a strawberry

  glowing on a bush?

  You go to pick it and whoosh

  What a fright!

  As arrowing, shrieking

  it takes flight

  into the bottomless

  Fruit bowl of night.

  The Brushbaby

  The Brushbaby

  lives under the stairs

  on a diet of dust

  and old dog hairs

  In darkness, dreading

  the daily chores

  of scrubbing steps

  and kitchen floors

  Doomed to an endless

  life of grime

  My poor little wooden

  porcupine.

  An Ass

  Never harass an ass

  An ass will never forgive

  Compared to an ass, an elephant

  Has a memory like a sieve.

  For months, maybe years off,

  When you’ve forgotten what you said

  He’ll burst into your bedroom

  And turf you out of bed.

  He’ll bite your nose and ears off

  He’ll trample on your head

  As you bleed, and plead for mercy,

  And you’ve forgotten what you said.

  * * *<
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  ‘Not true! Not true!’ I hear you cry,

  ‘The ass is the apple of our Lord’s eye.’

  A sweet old donkey? Perhaps you’re right.

  (But lock your bedroom door each night!)

  5 Ways to Stop Grizzly Bears from Spoiling Your Picnic

  1) Shoo them away.

  2) Lend them your teddy bears to play with.

  3) Have food that Grizzly Bears don’t like (e.g. Fish heads … Donkey drops … Rat toenails … Frog eyes … Pig whiskers … Baboon bellybuttons … Bat milk …). Definitely NOT Honey!

  4) Have the picnic in a country where there aren’t any Grizzly Bears:

  South America for instance.

  (But watch out for tarantulas, crocodiles, boa constrictors, giant hamsters and child-eating goldfish!)

  5) Learn a few Grizzly Bear phrases like:

  ‘Grrr’ (‘Good afternoon.’)

  ‘Grra Grra’ (‘I’m sorry, but this is a private picnic.’)

  ‘GURRR GURRR’ (‘Scram, or I shall call the armed militia.’)

  Ostrich

  One evening