It Never Rains Read online

  Life is but a Tree

  When the sky is closing in

  And the future looks appalling

  Remember life is but a tree

  Medium-sized and falling.

  When the Bough Breaks

  When the bough breaks and you’re falling

  Enjoy one last look around

  For Time, impatient, accelerates

  The nearer you get to the ground.

  In Good Hands

  Wherever night falls

  The earth is always

  There to catch it.

  Ring

  Your finger

  sadly

  has a familiar ring

  about it.

  Love Cycle

  Up against the wall

  locked in passionate embrace

  our two bicycles.

  Cake

  I wanted one life

  you wanted another

  we couldn’t have our cake

  so we ate eachother.

  Friends of the Earth

  Ecology Jim was a Friend of the Earth.

  But the earth was no friend of Jim.

  When living he covered all of it

  Now it covers all of him.

  Palmistry

  Palmists in Polynesia

  Read palm trees

  Because it’s easier.

  Cane Toads

  Please don’t.

  Rainforest Gateau

  Too many cooks

  Recipe gone wrong

  Still on the menu

  But not for long.

  Fatal Consequences

  I don’t believe that one about the butterfly –

  The air displaced by the fluttering

  of its wings in Brazil

  causing a tidal wave in Bangladesh.

  Mind you,

  The day after I shook out

  a tablecloth on the patio

  there was an earthquake in Mexico.

  (Or was it the other way round?)

  Global Warming

  In the Antarctic, an ice-shelf

  twice the size of Norfolk

  has broken off, and is melting.

  People the world over are concerned.

  Especially those in Suffolk

  who always get the thin end of the wedge.

  Wiwis

  To amuse

  emus

  on warm summer nights

  Kiwis*

  do wiwis

  from spectacular heights.

  Ostrich

  One morning

  an ostrich

  buried his head

  in the sand

  and fell asleep

  On waking

  he couldn’t remember

  where he’d buried it.

  Seagulls

  Seagulls are eagles

  with no head for heights

  For soggy old crusts

  they get into fights

  Out-of-tune buskers

  beggars and screechers

  Seagulls are not

  my favourite creatures.

  A 13-Amp Slug

  A 13-amp slug

  you are likely to find

  in the garden under a rock

  Be careful

  how you pick it up

  You might get

  a nasty shock.

  The Deserted Village

  (After Oliver Goldsmith)

  Sweet Auburn, loveliest village of the plain,

  The new runway opens at Heathrow.

  Hark! A jumbo jet……. and again…

  And again…and again…and again…

  Taking Stick

  I may be a stick insect

  But I’m not thin I’m thick

  I married my childhood sweetheart

  Who turned out to be a stick

  Light Sleeper

  My wife is such a light sleeper

  that when I come home late

  after a night out with the boys

  I always remove my shoes

  and leave them at the bottom

  of the street.

  Imagine my surprise, when

  on retrieving them this morning

  I discovered that they had been

  polished.

  What a nice neighbourhood I live in.

  What a great country this is.

  Neighbourhood Watch

  It’s a sin

  It’s a crime

  Now we can’t tell the time

  Our neighbourhood watch

  Has been stolen!

  Fire Guard

  My wife bought a fire guard for the living room.

  Seems a nice sort of chap.

  Poem against Capital Punishment

  I live in the Capital

  And it’s punishment

  The Concise Guide for Travellers

  For covering long distances travel is a must.

  Destinations are ideal places to head for.

  By the time you get there abroad will have moved on.

  To avoid jet lag travel the day before.

  If you meet an explorer you are lost.

  The Dada Christmas Catalogue

  Star-bangled spanner

  Chocolate comb

  Can-of-worms opener

  One book end

  Solar-powered sun-bed

  Abrasive partridges

  Inflatable fridge

  Set of nervous door handles

  Overnight tea-bag

  Instant coffee table

  Sly trombone

  Pair of cheapskates

  Mobile phone-booth

  Underwater ashtray

  13 amp bath plug

  Pair of socks, identical but for the colour

  Another book end

  Portable suitcase

  Genetic make-up bag

  Demystifying spray

  Packet of party-poopers

  Box of (past their sell-by) dates

  Nasal floss (unwaxed)

  Contact lens adhesive

  Magnetic chopsticks

  Concrete poetry-mixer

  Non-secateurs

  Not a pipe.

  Punk doll

  Last week

  I bought my favourite niece

  a cute little doll

  from a punk toy shop

  in the King’s Road.

  When you twist the safety pin

  in her rosy cheek

  she vomits and shouts

  ‘shitshitshitshitshit’

  in a tinny voice.

  The doll is pretty strange too.

  Lonely Hearts

  (i)

  Hiawatha, feeling randy

  on the shores of Gitche-gumme

  Thinking squaw would come in handy

  to scritchy-scratchy itchy tummy

  Plenty big-bam in the wigwam

  where the laughing waters flow

  Fire an arrow, make me quiver

  Minnehaha ho ho ho.

  (ii)

  Pied Piper

  (kids flown the nest)

  seeks lady piper

  (preferably undressed)

  for reels and jigs

  and entrechats.

  Do not apply

  unless fond of rats.

  (iii)

  Matilda

  (who told such dreadful lies)

  seeks handsome fireman

  with coal-black eyes

  and huge moustache on,

  to set her alight

  and quench her passion.

  (iv)

  To whitowl

  owner of peagreen boat

  seeks pussy-cat

  for low jinks

  on high seas

  -To woo!

  Weight-Watching

  ‘Dear Lonely Hearts, my name is Nate,

  My hobbies are weightlifting and tempting fate’

  ‘Dear Nate, my name is Kate,

  My hobby is weight-watching, please name the date’

  He showered her
with gifts

  Now Kate watches as Nate lifts.

  Scintillate

  I have outlived

  my youthfulness

  so a quiet life for me.

  Where once

  I used to

  scintillate

  now I sin

  till ten

  past three.

  italic

  ONCE I LIVED IN CAPITALS

  MY LIFE INTENSELY PHALLIC

  but now i’m sadly lowercase

  with the occasional italic.

  Friends, Flies and Fingernails

  Those I grow old with

  Dropping like them

  Clinging on by them

  Dressed for the Occasion

  I have enough sweaters and trousers

  Though shirts I may need to replace

  A couple of suits I can Oxfam

  As they take up far too much space

  One overcoat, one jacket, leather

  One linen suit for summer weather

  Hats, of course, and a dressing-gown

  Should last until the blind comes down.

  Time Flies

  We’re led to believe

  But it’s us that fly

  Time sits on its hands

  As we rush by

  Said and Done

  When all’s said and done

  There’ll be nothing left to say or do.

  The Proverbials

  You can’t toboggan on a level playing-field

  Even Big Bad Wolves have nightmares

  The bigger the wooden clog, the smaller the forest

  The surgeon removed a warm cockle from her heart

  Mice that live with stay-at-home cats, seldom play

  Lost, the navigator circled the square in search of a compass

  The air was foul until a frank discussion cleared it

  The jogger ran up some debts, and then down some

  The scales fell from her eyes, badly bruising her toes

  Why is the graffiti always neater on the other side of the stairwell?

  Prozac provides safety in numbness

  Is a dartboard an objet d’art?

  Married men live longer than single men.

  Or does it just seem that way?

  Writing novels is outside my jurisfiction

  Why do playwrights always have to dramatize everything?

  ‘Shy poet seeks post as Writer-in-Reticence’

  The lovers warmed their hands in the heat of the moment

  A suitcase becomes heavy only when lifted

  In summer as hot air rises, so the days get lighter

  If you want to put the clock back,

  simply clear a space on the mantlepiece

  Had the shield been invented first,

  would the sword have been thought of ?

  Some eggs are not sure they are eggs

  Table mats are for wiping your feet before dancing on tables

  Toilet rolls are the somersaults that toilets make

  when tossed into a skip

  The rubber ring lacked a certain je ne sais quoit

  To achieve wisdom, arrive after the event

  Every journey is an epic

  Lost in the desert, the interior designer quickly went insane

  When I was at school, teachers used the carrot and stick

  method of education. Without the carrot.

  In dusty cupboards, teachers’ canes spend the

  years wondering what they did wrong

  The square of the hypotenuse was filled with buskers

  and mime artists

  Revenge, unlike Lancashire hot-pot, is a dish best served cold

  It may fizz with bubbles but it’s still water

  Still waters run deep, although not in saucers

  He is so shy he even stammers when he’s thinking

  When one glove is missing, both are lost

  Having smashed the hand mirror,

  the princess could no longer admire her hands

  A: The answer

  Q: Which came first, the question or the answer?

  Questions have a lot to answer for

  To claim the reward, one must hand over the kitten

  What fun times chameleons have on zebra crossings

  Water boils only when the bubbles tell it to

  Old people do not walk slowly because they have plenty of time

  My shadow is but a shadow of its former self

  The book stops here.

  THE BEGINNING

  Let the conversation begin...

  Follow the Penguin Twitter.com@penguinukbooks

  Keep up-to-date with all our stories YouTube.com/penguinbooks

  Pin ‘Penguin Books’ to your Pinterest

  Like ‘Penguin Books’ on Facebook.com/penguinbooks

  Find out more about the author and

  discover more stories like this at Penguin.co.uk

  PENGUIN BOOKS

  Published by the Penguin Group

  Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA

  Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4P 2Y3 (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.)

  Penguin Ireland, 25 St Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd)

  Penguin Group (Australia), 707 Collins Street, Melbourne, Victoria 3008, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty Ltd)

  Penguin Books India Pvt Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi – 110 017, India

  Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, Auckland 0632, New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd)

  Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, Block D, Rosebank Office Park, 181 Jan Smuts Avenue, Parktown North, Gauteng 2193, South Africa

  Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  www.penguin.com

  This collection published 2014

  Copyright © Roger McGough, 2014

  The moral right of the author has been asserted

  All rights reserved

  Text Design by Claire Mason

  Typeset by Penguin Books

  ISBN: 978-0-241-97143-7

  * In the skies above New Zealand

  Kiwis once abounded

  But for health & safety reasons

  For years now they’ve been grounded